As I continue with my journey through motherhood, I come to new stages.
First there was the scary intensity of the early days, then it calmed down but wasn’t always that exciting until my daughter started moving…… Then after a year away from work I started back, freelancing, and she started at nursery.
And now, she’s going to be 2. Which means two years have passed since she was born. And a year since I went back to the world of work.
So what now?
Now I can see more clearly how my life fits with hers, and how she is the boss of our little family! As she starts to say more bits of words, point at things she wants or is curious about, and has the ability to move at quite a speed, it’s all much more challenging. And fun!
But what about me? Who am I now?
I was reading something Martha Beck wrote about dreams. How you need to dream big and have “wildly improbable goals”, so you have something to aim for.
I totally get that.
Before I became a mum, I could dream about visiting penguins in Antarctica for a month, or exploring a new city, or hopping on a plane on a whim for an exciting project.
But now, any dreams have a caveat. I can do things as long as my daughter has someone to look after her while I do them.
So in wondering what my dreams are now, I’ve found myself thinking that there’s no point in writing down certain dreams because they couldn’t ever happen.
And I wonder whether I’m negating the dreaming process by doing that. Surely I need to dream big so I can scale it down, so I can work out what draws me to those dreams?
But what’s the point in dreaming about things I know could never happen? At least not for another 15 years or so.
Should I limit myself to smaller dreams, or have the big ones anyway even though I know they’re ridiculously impractical and impossible?
Perhaps it’s about time I had some new dreams – some equally exciting ones, just different ones.
That’s a whole load of questions, because I don’t have any answers. It’s just a thought that occurred to me today.
And as I try to redefine myself and my new place in the world, it’s important for me to work this one out. I’d be interested to hear what other people think about this? In particular other mums who’ve felt the same.
A poppy, hiding behind tall green crops, yet still standing out.